


Perfectly Good at Being Bad

by thetransgirlwhoneverwas



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 03:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20128414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetransgirlwhoneverwas/pseuds/thetransgirlwhoneverwas
Summary: Gallifrey is back in business. This suits perfectly one particular individual who never got what he was promised.





	Perfectly Good at Being Bad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eldritch_reyni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldritch_reyni/gifts), [stcrmpilot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stcrmpilot/gifts).

> Inspired by this Tumblr post https://thetransgirlwhoneverwas.tumblr.com/post/186796733610/stcrmpilot-concept-arkadian-marches-into-the

“It’s obvious that we need to gather the Temporal Powers!” Romana told her opponent for approximately the seventh time in the last half hour. “The Daleks have openly invaded Gallifrey more than once now, and there’s no telling who or when they are going to try invading next! It’s high time we all collectively did something about this clear and present threat!” She shouted, not intending the pun.

“As I have said multiple times already,” her opponent Valyes - who noticed and appreciated the pun, but correctly judged that it would be gauche to point it out - responded, “doing so would violate our most sacred and ancient policy of non-interference! That would be grounds to remove you from office if necessary.” This had been his only talking point for the entire debate, but he seemed determined to run it as deeply into the ground as possible.

“Must I point out that you yourself went back in time to try to avert the creation of the Daleks barely three weeks ago!” Romana replied incredulously.

“And the fact that my agent failed is the only reason anybody in this room remembers that,” Valyes replied, apparently under the delusion that this was a winning argument. “In any case, I myself was under orders from one of your numbers.”

He looked over to the audience and locked eyes with Narvin, who had the decency to look guilty for a moment before remembering how much he didn’t like Valyes. He stared back with an intensity that made Valyes break his gaze.

“So you’re fine with breaking our laws when it suits you, you do it through an agent, and you don’t think there’ll be any consequences, but if anyone else does it they’re violating tradition and should be ousted immediately?”

“Precisely,” Valyes leaned back in his seat, bouncing back from his lost staring contest with Narvin and wearing a self-satisfied smile that he had not earned in the slightest.

From the audience watching the debate, Leela slowly started to draw her knife from her pocket, but Narvin noticed and wordlessly pushed her knife back into its sheath. Before he had a chance to pull his hand away, however, Leela held it with her own, a state of affairs Narvin had no objection to. Nobody else noticed.

“Okay,” Romana started again, pinching the bridge of her nose hard enough to be noticeable, but softly enough to still be dignified. “Let’s pretend I’m willing to play your rules for a moment. Let’s pretend we sent an agent to do something about the Daleks to stop them potentially trying to wipe us all out again, and that agent wasn’t traced back to us. If, and I’m not saying I’m going to, but _if_ we did this so that _I_ technically wasn’t breaking any of our outdated traditions, would you accept that and just let me do my job without drowning me in bureaucracy?”

“Certainly not!” Valyes retorted, and Romana had to suppress a shriek of frustration. “You’d just be breaking our laws by proxy.”

“Laws you have already broken to do exactly what I am suggesting!” Romana repeated one more time.

“Well, I’m not Lord President,” Valyes looked unbearably smug again. “The _Lord_ President should be a standard to all of us.”

Leela once again started to draw her knife, and Narvin contemplated letting her go for Valyes for a second, before changing his mind and resheathing it.

“So if you sent an agent to do it and not fail this time, that would be okay?” Romana asked, only partially sarcastically.

“Well, I mean, if I were to do it, that would be less objectionable-” Valyes started before being interrupted by a sound coming from down the hall outside, and the Panoptican fell silent in order to listen to the sound.

_Na-na-na, come on_  
_ Na-na-na, come on_  
_ Na-na-na-na-na, come on_

Ace awoke from her nap, her eyes snapping open as her pop culture sense awakened.

“I know this.”

Narvin and Leela turned to face her.

“It’s a bit after my time, but I’ve kept up with the music scene from my old hangout, and this, this was big.”

_Feels so good being bad_  
_ There’s no way I’m turning back_

As the sound got closer, everyone in the room stopped and stared in the direction of the sound. Closer still it approached, the beat getting louder and louder, and as it got closer still all could hear that whoever was approaching and playing the music was stepping in sync to it with impeccable timing. There was a pause in the music, everyone held their breaths, and as the music reached a climax, the door burst open to reveal a figure clad head to toe in scarlet, wearing an ostentatious cape, a flamboyant hat with a large scarlet feather, and the highest heels seen on Gallifrey in millennia, tapping his foot in time with the beat and singing rather poorly at the top of his lungs along to the music:

_‘Cause I may be bad_  
_ but I’m perfectly good at it_  
_ Sex in the air, I don’t care_  
_ I love the smell of it_  
_ Sticks and stones may break my bones_  
_ But chains and whips excite me_

Valyes sat wide-eyed and paralysed in his seat in what appeared to be panic. Romana sighed so loudly and long that it turned into a groan. Narvin spluttered incomprehensibly. Ace fell out of her seat laughing. The rest of the present Time Lords stared in some emotion between fascination and horror. Only Leela maintained enough of her faculties to name the dramatic figure.

“Mephistopheles Arkadian”

“The one, and the only!” he responded with as little subtlety as he could muster. “_Rrrrrrrrr_eturned to cash in on the deal that was made for a certain stockpile of powerful Gallifreyan weapons now that the planet seems back on its feet, and of course to offer my services in ridding you of a certain population of pepperpot profiled pests...for the right fee, of course.”

The song continued playing as he said this. Most of the gathered assembly collected themselves, except Valyes who was still catatonic, and Ace who had not been able to stop laughing yet. Leela once again attempted to retrieve her knife, and while Narvin did place a hand on her shoulder to discourage her from rising, he did not attempt to keep the knife away from her hand.

“Absolutely not,” Romana, as usual, was the first to respond after some time. “As far as we are concerned, that deal was fulfilled when you absconded in a TARDIS filled with weapons.”

“And a Time Lord under the influence of the Dogma Virus,” Narvin chimed in. “Speaking of which, we were rather under the impression - and hope - that you had been killed by Elbon.”

“Oh, how many times must I explain this, I faked my death to prevent any pursuit,” Arkadian sighed far more dramatically than anyone thought strictly necessary. “Although I never did get those actual weapons I was promised. Additionally, did nobody hear me when I offered to rid you of a certain nuisance?”

The song mercifully came to an end, but no sooner had the last note played did it start up again, just as obnoxiously loud as the first time, reducing Ace to another fit of laughter.

“Shall I kill him, Romana?” Leela asked with deceptive innocence in her voice.

The smug look was wiped from Arkadian’s face at the mention of this, only to be replaced with a second, smaller smug look when Romana shook her head, and Leela dejectedly sheathed her knife. Narvin placed his hand on her shoulder in a gesture that was probably intended to be comforting, equally as disappointed at the prospect of not seeing Arkadian disemboweled.

“Whatever it is that you’re trying to sell, Arkadian, we’re not interested,” announced Narvin, now standing and staring down Arkadian.

Arkadian tried to puff himself up and look intimidating to Narvin; a difficult tasking wearing, as he was, an enormous bright red hat. “And who do you think you are, trying to remove me?”

“One of my most trusted advisors,” answered Romana, leading Narvin to be briefly offended to only one of the most, before accepting that he would never beat Leela in that regard. “And someone with full authority to demand your exit, as I am doing now!”

“B-but,” all of Arkadian’s swagger was gone, and the bright red outfit looked even more ridiculous on him now than it had a few minutes ago. “I offered you my services! I showed you good faith! _I made the entrance_! You can’t simply kick me out!”

“Yes we can,” Romana, Leela, and Narvin replied in perfect unison. “Chancellery Guard, kindly escort Arkadian back to his craft and away from this planet,” Romana continued.

“Very well, I can see my grand services are not desired here!” Arkadian tried to salvage as much of his dignity as he could, and failed because the song was still playing, but everyone was ignoring it.

“At least I got to make the entrance…” he muttered to himself. With a swift turn, he flourished his cape around him, accidentally hitting himself square in the face with a weighted tassel on the end, and strode out of the room, pausing to stop the song playing from a device on his belt.

As he left and the doors closed behind him, the room breathed a collective sigh of relief. Ace’s laughter came to a gradual stop, and she picked herself back up.

“So, er, who was that?”


End file.
